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Ask Janessa!

January 13, 2016

 

“Is there ever an instance in a relationship where it’s okay to lie?” –Anonymous

 

 

Dear Anonymous,

 

Of Course the first thing that comes to mind is, Uh No!  If you ask someone to list the traits that attribute to a strong foundation of  a great relationship honesty, being truthful, and loyalty are amongst the top three. It doesn't matter if it is a romantic relationship or not.

 

Then, reality sets in and you think about all the times you lied to someone whether it was to spare their feelings, because you were nervous or anxious of their response to the truth, or you just didn’t want to admit to yourself( let alone them) the truth.  So now, we go back to the question at hand-is it ok to lie?

 

Having gone through many of these moments myself and talking to my friends about their relationships and what to disclose or not, I would say the question is actually more complex then to lie or not or even if it’s okay. The facts is it is never okay to lie. It is black and white and the standard as we all know that. However, a reality is we all have lied. So maybe the real question is what lies are able to be forgiven and worked through in a relationship?

 

A relationship is an investment. The more you put in, the better chance is that you have a successful investment. So naturally, it’s important to build with your partner. Simply put, the more comfortable and in tune you are with your partner, the more you will share and reveal. Sometimes a “lie” is given because your partner isn’t at the level of comfort to disclose the truth- yet. All information comes with time. 

 

However, only you can determine what is important to know in order to continue to build. Everyone has their own thresholds and breaking points- let me be the first to say everyone is entitled to that.  It’s important to find a partner that respects your boundaries and fulfills your needs especially in the area of “need to know basis” to prevent feeling lied to or worst deceived.  What is never okay is feeling constant betrayal and never bouncing back from an initial issue/lie because it just manifests into so much more over time. My recommendation is talking about the lie, where did it come from, why was it said, what was it covering up. Taking accountability for the lie is a good start to better communication and possibly overcoming the lie at hand. Ultimately, you determine what is okay in your personal relationship-what works for you may not work for another couple.  Anything can be communicated and worked through if both parties are equally invested. 

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