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Ask Janessa!

January 26, 2016


“I’ve been with my bf for 6 years and I recently stole his phone and seen him texting another girl. The texts are not bad but, they seem to be slightly flirty. I have never confronted him about anything and I don’t know if I should now. What should I do?”- L.S



Dear L.S


They always say “don’t go searching for something you do not want to see.”  It so many things to discuss with this one scenario that I don’t even know where to start! Trust me, I too have been guilty of the “steal his phone” stint..you me and probably 2/3 of all the women and the world. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have, I am just asking what made you do it? I have been guilty of it too, but the first thing we say when we are asked why did we do something like take a phone is we say we had a feeling/we got a sign etc. No. The feeling and sign came from other things, not the phone plugged to the charged while he was taking a shower! Trust me, I have tried to pin it on divine intervention too but, we both know there were other things that filled our mind to make us feel like there was something going on and we just knew the phone was the gatekeeper to the information, well we hoped it was. Regardless, I ask this-what are some other things that have bugged you and made you feel uneasy and less trusting of your mate that it made you go this far? Did you bring up any of these things to him? Have you given him a chance to clear your conscious with a discussion about your concerns before you went all Carmen San Diego on him? If he stole your phone, is there ANYTHING he would question? Texts with guy friends, co-workers, group chats with your girls? First thing is first, is the shoe were on the other foot are you totally free of any suspicion or interrogation? Maybe you weren’t texting a guy but, did you tell your bestie how the cute new intern at your job brought you a coffee etc? When we are looking for something we over think and over analyze EVERYTHING! So let’s get that in the clear first.  Secondly, do you know the girl? Do they have a prior history or dynamics prior to you or one you know about? That’s very important. Sometimes we are unnecessarily jealous about relationships we are already privy too-and let’s face it flirting via text can be anything from emojis to saying hello; our mind reads it however we want to interpret it. If you don’t know her then maybe there is something to be suspicious about but the only way to really know is by being honest with him and admitting what you did. You were bold enough to take the phone and read through it so now you have to throw on your big girl panties and address it with him. Taking accountability and realizing you were in the wrong for invading his privacy is definitely a good start. Be realistic on how the conversation may go. It is a good chance he will be mad..pissed even.  Just stay focused and work with the facts. Facts are you had some previous concerns that led you to this moment-be honest and discuss them. You invaded his privacy-be responsible enough to take the backlash on this. Discuss what you saw for clarity-be prepared for what may come your way. I don’t think confronting him is the proper way to see it, because you don’t know for sure what he did was “wrong or not”. There is no question in you stealing his phone and going through it. Without discussing it, you won’t get your old questions answered or these new ones and you will definitely go through his phone again to read up on the mysterious flirty girl to see if they have engaged in more. Discussing it will give you the chance to discuss old issues and current issues including the level of trust that you both current have for each other.  

I think the bigger thing to focus on is what brought you to this point? Hacking and stealing and breaking the codes to all his stuff won’t stop him from doing what he is (or isn’t) doing and all it does is consume your mind and emotions into a world wind of thoughts and fictitious “what-if” scenarios.  As mentioned initially, this has so many components to it because there is so much to address based on responses. I say don’t focus on the worst yet, just start off by admitting what you did and what made you do it so he can be in the know of your concerns and the communication can be started on the issues that led you here. I would love to know how that conversation goes to be able to discuss what happens next. I will be looking forward to your follow up L.S!


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